Written by Dr. Rachel Kramer - Child Psychologist and Consultant to the LEAP Schools.
As we enter December, I have been thinking about setting intentions for the holiday season. Family holiday celebrations can be wonderful, complicated, fun, and messy all at the same time. It can be useful for parents to spend time prior to the holiday season thinking about their own priorities and expectations.
If this idea appeals to you, devote some time to thinking about your personal objectives for the upcoming holiday season. If you are parenting with a partner, each person can think about this topic on their own and then set aside time to discuss goals and look for places where partners’ expectations are compatible as well as places where they may not be aligned.
Once you have a good sense of personal and family intentions, think about each objective in the context of whether or not you have control over the outcome of this goal. In some situations, the answer to this question will be straightforward. For example, if your intention is to find some time during the holidays to involve your children in community service, you have control over setting aside time to achieve this goal.
Other intentions are likely to be more complex. For example, parents may set a goal of limiting each child in the family to a reasonable number of gifts. However, grandparents or other relatives may have their own ideas about gift-giving. In these situations, to help you gain clarity, consider making a 2-column list about which parts of a goal are within your control and which parts are not. I find this exercise helpful because often people unintentionally set goals which involve circumstances that are out of their control or that rely on other people to behave in a certain way in order for the goal to be achieved.
One factor that is typically within your control is how you think about a situation. For example:
- Do you expect perfection and then get disappointed or frustrated when situations don’t live up to your expectations?
- Are you at risk for catastrophizing and over-focusing on worst possible outcomes?
- Are you able to think flexibly about holiday expectations and adjust your outlook if unforeseen circumstances arise?
The holiday season typically offers many opportunities for everyone – adults and children alike – to practice flexible thinking. If you find yourself in a tricky situation this holiday season, try to lead with grace and self-compassion. Remind yourself of the importance of modeling and developing the skills of flexibility, distress tolerance, humility, and forgiveness. Sometimes the best we can do at the end of a challenging day is say to ourselves, “Well, I guess I won’t make that mistake again.”
I hope you and your family have a peaceful holiday season.
