Written by Dr. Rachel Kramer - Child Psychologist and Consultant to the LEAP Schools.
A couple of weeks ago I taught a parenting workshop at a preschool about social and emotional development. During the presentation I explained that the line between fantasy and reality is fluid for young children, particularly children 4 and under, and they are not able to distinguish between real and pretend. For example, we expect young children to believe that inanimate objects have thoughts and feelings, and young preschoolers may feel unsure about whether a scary character from a show or movie could suddenly show up in their room at bedtime.
Towards the end of preschool, children start to become more aware of the differences between fantasy and reality, and they work hard to fully understand these differences. A 5-year-old may be able to say, “Monsters aren’t real,” but they may also harbor quite a bit of doubt about this distinction, particularly if they are tired or someone has just told them a scary story about a monster.
During the Q&A for the presentation, one of the topics parents asked about was lying. I explained that often when toddlers and preschoolers tell a lie, the falsehood acts as a bridge between reality – what actually happened – and fantasy – what a child wished had happened. For example, if a 3-year-old knocked down a sibling’s block tower and the sibling started to cry, the 3 year-old might deny knocking down the blocks because the wish that they had not engaged in the behavior is so strong that they essentially start to believe that what they wish were true is actually the truth.
If your preschool-aged child says something that you know to be untrue, it’s helpful to pause for a moment to consider whether this framework can help you understand their behavior in a developmental context. So often parents panic or get angry if their young child tells a lie and then they feel compelled to immediately set the record straight with their child. Approaching the situation from a stance of worry or anger is completely understandable but is unlikely to be helpful. Instead, if your child tells an obvious lie, try to stay grounded in understanding their behavior in the context of their developmental stage. Rather than scolding or arguing about whether or not what your child is saying is true, this perspective can help you manage the situation with a different approach. For example:
“I hear that you really wish that you hadn’t knocked over your sister’s blocks. Let’s be a team and clean them up together.”
“I’m noticing some coloring on the wall. I remember you were the only person in the playroom just now. Sounds like you wish someone else had colored on the wall. I’m going to get some cloths and spray so we can clean this up.”
“I hear you saying that you didn’t hide your brother’s special stuffie. He is so sad that his lovey is lost… Here it is in your closet. I get that you really wish that you had not been the person to put it there. When you’re ready maybe you can draw a picture for your brother to say, ‘Sorry your lovey was in my closet.’”
Of course, these examples assume that the adult who is talking knows that their young child did, in fact, engage in the behavior for which they are denying responsibility. In this situation, defining what happened as an expression of your child’s wish helps you to directly state the truth about what happened while understanding and respecting the fact that moments later your preschooler may truly believe their own wish that they hadn’t engaged in the behavior. Outside the moment, you can work on building your child’s understanding of the difference between truths, wishes, and lies by talking about characters in books, shows, or movies who are telling falsehoods or by sharing stories from your own childhood about times when you struggled with lying versus telling the truth.
Towards the end of my presentation at the preschool, someone asked about when slightly older children – kindergarteners or first graders – tell a lie. Does the same paradigm apply? Children this age may sometimes still struggle with identifying the difference between fantasy and reality. However, we also expect them to have developed a clearer understanding of the difference between telling the truth and lying. While not the main focus of today’s newsletter, I’ll share briefly that the thing I pay attention to most for a child in early elementary school is whether they exhibit a pattern of lying – telling falsehoods repeatedly and/or across different settings or situations. If your early elementary school-aged child exhibits a pattern of lying, keep in mind the important adage that behavior is communication and spend some time talking with your child’s teacher, school counselor, or pediatrician to help you understand why they may be engaging in this behavior.